Compromise

Compromise. Brian and I went the first 5 months of our marriage without cable. We had Netflix and it was easy to decide what to watch since there were really too many options. Only movies and reruns get old fast when you have run through all of your favorites.

A month or so ago we decided that we could afford cable and it was just in time for football season. Of course, now is the issue of what to watch since there are so many options. Compromise is a funny thing. Brian is one of those guys who would watch sports 24/7 and only mix it up with car shows and a few select miscellaneous shows. I however enjoy food shows, tbs, etc. We don't overlap very often when it comes to TV. So, compromise. It's been a learning experience. When we were dating it was easy since we only saw each other 2 or 3 times a week. It's easy to compromise when you can go home and watch what you want. When you live together and have to share...well that's a whole other story. Now, I like a fair share of football, as long as it's relevant, like a favorite team. Brian however loves watching everything, he has three fantasy football leagues going to prove his football devotion. Football has tested our sharing abilities for sure.

We found our balance through the fact that we don't want our mate to outright suffer. So when I want to watch America's Next Model, I usually record it to watch when Brian is busy doing something else. Since I'm ok with football most of the time, it comes on our TV fairly often. Otherwise, we try to compromise.

A lot of our marriage is about compromise and allowing the other person to partially take over your life. When I lived at home I looked forward to moving out and having my life to myself a little more. When you live with someone you don't realize how much of your life is taken up by them. I thought I would have more time to myself, HA! I was so naive! Marriage is all about having a joint life. If I thought I didn't get much alone time before, I get even less now. Brian and I are introverts to the extreme. We love hanging out at home and just being with each other. We enjoy our friends but I'm sure hearing that we are introverts is no surprise whatsoever.

Brian and I have this understanding that if we get alone time, it's ok, it's more than ok, we love it. So when he goes out with friends or I do, it's okay. We don't have to feel bad. Little things like time alone, TV selection, etc, they look like little compromises, but sometimes they can be the hardest to get through. Like when Brian turns all of the glasses up to dry instead of upside down, that used to get to me. It comes down to what matters. All these little things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, why am I going to insist that it be done my way and potentially hurt my marriage?

Now, I have gotten to the point where if something he does strikes me as different, I just move on. The people we marry are not exactly like us. We can't expect them to act like we do, think like we do, or even like the same shows we do. Compromise is tough but it doesn't have to be if we remember our differences.

Our Marriage Rule #1: Finances

When we were engaged one of the top things we heard from numerous people is how money is the biggest reason for divorce. Being both accountants we looked to each other and decided that it would be our strongest point. We wanted to be united and not pulling each other in different directions.

We struggled a bit when we were newly married. We had no real concept of how much money it took to live neither of us having lived by ourselves before. We knew it would be more than we expected. What hurt us was treating money exactly the same way we did before we were married. You can't do that. You aren't an individual in the purest sense anymore. You need to think of the other person when you purchase something, when you plan to purchase something, etc. Even though we thought of each other, we didn't plan together and that hurt us. We didn't go into debt but we were definitely headed that way.

What stopped the downward spiral was a huge reality check when we started doing our budget on Mint.com. The website lets you set each part of your budget, goals, investment, etc. It gives you graphs and more to show you how you are doing and even notifies you when you have gone over budget. When we first started we noticed that we had a negative net income for the last couple of months. It was a huge eye opener. Even though the money was there, we were depleting our savings unintentionally. In that moment we decided we needed to reroute our marriage back on track.

We set our goals, like my new car, and more long term goals like a house and a trip for our five year anniversary. Since then, which was three months ago, our net income has been been in the green! Now we spend our money with purpose, setting aside our tithe and goal amounts and still have some for a emergency fund. Now that we have purchased my car, our goal for the rest of the year is to get our savings back up to where it was. Next year, we want to get as close as possible to paying off Brian's car. we should almost make it, almost three and a half years early, which is nothing to sneeze at.

Ever since we started focusing more instead of preferring to remain oblivious, our marriage has gotten stronger. We both have our goals in keeping track of our finances. Brian focuses on making sure our bills are being paid and I make sure that I save as much as possible. I watch what I spend in groceries and make sure to make enough for all of our meals so that we aren't spending money at restaurants when we don't need to. We found our trouble areas were food and the home. Food because I had not figured out a routine as well as overspending in groceries/restaurants. I was buying wayyy to much and we would throw it away. I've gotten much better at estimating how much we will need for all of our meals during the week. A meal plan and grocery list have become my bread and butter. I have all of my recipe ingredients written down so that it's planned our week. It works out great. We waste little and are eating healthier than before. Perfect.

Home decor items was also a trouble are since it was our first home and we had nothing. While we would love to have it fully decorated, only certain areas are. We stopped at decorating the living room and our bedroom which are mostly used. We bought a couch, bed and an entertainment center. Everything else could wait. Even that sent us on the road to debt, so we reined it in. We have borrowed furniture from Brian's parents, such as our dining table and chairs as are our side tables in the living room. It may not be what we want, but what we really don't want is to have a ton of debt.

We both have gotten through college without having debt and we certainly don't want to start now. Our rule for finances, which is that we will not be divided but united in all decisions and planning, has been our number one rule. I'm sure it has saved us from many threats to hurt our marriage. It all started with a budget, which can be scary or exciting depending on who you are (we love budgets, I mean we are accountants!). Mint.com makes is non-scary for everyone. It's so easy to use. If you don't have a budget, start there. You will love it!

One big lesson we learned is about our priorities. As much as we love being comfortable and would like a fully furnished home that we owned and the fancy vacations and more, we know that those are also not our priorities. Maybe one day we'll be there but it isn't the be all end all. Early on in our engagement and marriage we talked about gradually being able to give God more than 10%. We want to be able to one day give away at least half of what we make. We want to keep our priorities with God. The fact of the matter is, you can't take any of this stuff with you when you die. While it may be nice during our lives here, it doesn't mean anything when you get to the other side and you spent all of your money on things that are meaningless. Put your money where it matters. In relationships, fellowship, missions, charities and God. We all like to live comfortably, but that doesn't mean we have to sacrifice God and it also means that in giving back to God we have to sacrifice our comfort. When you give to God, He gives back. Usually it's an exponentially more than what you originally gave. He gives back opportunities, gifts, relationships, love, laughter, a promise for your eternal life. Quite a beautiful gift in return for some of our luxuries.

First Year of Marriage

Everyone says that the first year of marriage is the hardest to get through and after that it gets easier. At least, that's what everyone told us before we got married. I'd like to say that it wasn't true and we have no problem getting through our first year without bickering or miscommunication, but it isn't like that at all. We have our times when we get on each others nerves and bicker. We have our times when what I say or he says isn't what the other person hears or understands. Yet, we have set some definite ground rules when it comes to our marriage.

We went through pre-marital counseling with the pastor who married us just a few weeks before our marriage and it helped us set these rules of ours. They aren't set in stone, we've written them down kind of rules. These rules are ones that are understood between us and have resulted from past issues that we have worked through together.

One such rule is our promise to not have any secrets. We have no secrets from each other, absolutely none. This means that we tell each other everything, from purchases we wish to make, to past debt needing to be resolved, to bad feelings we are having, prayers we need, things we did wrong and want to make right. It doesn't matter what it is. If we feel that the other person should know, regardless of how bad or good it is, we share it. It has cleared up a ton of issues that could have hurt our marriage either immediately or as a slow acting poison.

Another rule that we have an understanding of is that we never go to sleep mad at each other. We have a sign above our bed that says "Always kiss me goodnight" and that is such a great reminder. If we get into an argument, I may want to just go to bed and pretend nothing happened but I see that quote and I just am incapable of going to sleep. So, I end up going back downstairs or Brian comes upstairs and we work it out before we go to sleep. If we let the fight go undiscussed it would just come back later and hurt us again. It's better to resolve the issue than to pretend it never happened at all.

One big rule is that we are united in every way, including our finances. We have joint bank accounts, don't make big purchases without the other person knowing and approving, and we share the budget making process. Money is the top reason for divorce these days and we didn't want it to be the thing that we couldn't handle. As accountants, we both have a great handle on finances so we could definitely give it to one person to handle, but without us both being involved, secrets happen. So, refer bake to rule #1.

The last rule we have is the respect and love we have for each other. We realize the distinctly different needs we have in our marriage. Brian needs my respect as he is the leader of our family and he needs to hear me vocalize that respect as often as possible. I need his love and I need that vocalized as much as possible as well. If we don't vocalize these often enough, we have a disconnect that leads to problems. Even though Brian is the leader of our family, this doesn't mean I'm not included in decisions. We have a joint partnership, but one distinct leader when it comes to our marriage. I give my input and Brian respects it, but in my respect for him I give him what he needs in order to lead us successfully.

So, those are a few of the rules that we live by in our marriage and they have prevented so many problems in this first year of our marriage. We're already halfway through and haven't had as many disagreements as we thought we would have.

Here is a Bible verse that we set our marriage in:
        "That Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith and I may pray that you being rooted and grounded in love..."
             Ephesians 3:17