Don't Quit

I know sometimes we all get fed up with our our lives are going at one point or another. When we get in those times, we are only seeing one snapshot of our life. We aren't looking at the memories behind us and we can't see the future in front of us. We see only one time that seems tough and nothing is going quite right.

We want to give up, say nothing is obviously paying off, and who would even notice if we stopped all of our hard work. The whole problem with feeling that way is that when we looks back through our memories, we remember being frustrated throughout the process but when we see the end results, it's worth it. Just because we don't see immediate results doesn't mean that we won't see them in the long-run. We are so impatient and want our lives to be at the rate of fast food instead of a sit down restaurant.  When I stop and think about life, I would rather sit down and take my time rather than rush through it all. Yes, we get frustrated. Yes, we want to quit. If you quit, you are making all of your work a waste of time. It's a self-fulling prophecy. You cause yourself to fail when you quit. If we keep going, our hard work pays off, even if it isn't quite in the way we expect.

The payoff could be getting exactly what we want or it could be the realization that what we thought we wanted really isn't the path we want to take. When we get fed up with not getting what we think we want, we just give up. It's like the little kid who wants that ice cream cone and when he doesn't get it, he throws a temper tantrum kicking and screaming. He ends up pouting and being mad when in reality he didn't get that ice cream cone because it was right before dinner.

We don't know what is going to happen next, we don't see the big picture. God can, we can't. That's where trust comes in. Trust that He will lead you where you need to go, not where you want to go. We may want that ice cream cone, but we really find out later that a healthy dinner before dessert is exactly what we needed. We'll also find that what we needed is really what we want in the long run.

So, when we get frustrated and want to quit, we need to remember that we could be on the horizon of getting to where we need to be. If we hold on, then everything could work out to being more than we can ever hope for, way better than a little ice cream cone.

Growth Happens

When my brother, Matt, committed suicide almost three years ago it felt like my whole world turned upside down. It was unbelievable. It felt unreal. A cruel, cruel joke. Matt was not someone who you would peg as depressed or insecure. He was loud, vibrant and everyone loved him. He, as we all do, had his troubles in life. He never seemed to hold down a job, relationship or even a car. He was constantly moving, never quite still. He was a great brother, son, friend, and more.

I was just getting out of Chem lab and walking to come home. My oldest brother, Kurt, and his family were here for a visit. I called my mom, said I was going to come meet them for lunch since they were leaving that day to go home. All my mom said was, "Tracie, come home." I couldn't understand it, asked why, what was wrong, and it just came out. Matt was gone. I stopped in my tracks. Disbelief and then tears poured out. I was standing in the middle of my campus with tears running down my face. Uncaring of what people thought I kept going to catch the shuttle. I waited at the stop crying. I wouldn't know it until later, but God showed himself then. A guy came over to me and said, "I don't know why you're crying but I think you should know that God loves you." It was beautiful and I couldn't even respond to him then. Later, I wished I would see him again so that I could thank him.

I was sobbing by the time I made it to my car and drove home. I called Brian, then my fiancé, and told him that the one brother of mine that he had met, was gone. He, like I, was speechless. I didn't speak to him for very long, just to tell him. When I got home, my family was a mess. We were destroyed by the absence of a life.

My dad wanted to go to a Catholic church that day since that's what  he was raised as. Sadly, the church was locked. I kept thinking that it wasn't supposed to be that way. God would want us there.

So we went home. We had a couple of precious hours together before taking my brother and his family to the airport. That was one of the hardest goodbyes we've had with them. After finding out you've lost one person, you want to bring everyone close and hold on to them and never let go.

Almost three years later, the hurt is still there. I cry every time I try talking about him. I will always miss my brother. We all will. There is always something not quite right. Something is missing.

Losing Matt was a harsh lesson we learned. I wish we had learned it without losing him. Even though he didn't tell us that he needed us, he did need us. You don't know how things are affecting someone you love. He was bright and beautiful on the outside, but on the inside he felt bad enough that he couldn't handle life anymore. We learned that it doesn't matter if someone needs you then or not, give your time anyways. Tell them you love them, hug them, spend time with them, just be with the ones you love. Through a phone call, e-mail, face-to-face, it doesn't matter. Spend the time your given together, don't let past grudges or hurts stand in the way.

Matt is the reason why I can never stay mad, why I don't let differences stop me. He is the reason why my family is even more close now. He is the reason that I don't hold back. He is the reason why I love he way I do. Fully, completely, without hesitation. Losing someone is not worth holding back. Trying to save yourself from the hurt of heartbreak is meaningless when you are devastated when they leave this earth.

Even though Matt isn't here with us, he is in our hearts. I carried him with me on my wedding day. My brother, Sean, brought this bracelet with him and surprised me during our rehearsal dinner. It was perfect. I had all of my brothers with me.

Even if you think you have plenty of time to make up with someone, heal broken relationships, you really don't know. Don't put it off until tomorrow. Do it now. Tomorrow may not be there. Matt is the reason why I won't ever give up on my biological father and his side of the family. I may not have a good relationship with any of them, but I never give up. I invited them to my wedding, even to a wedding shower we had where they lived. Even though only my Grandma and Aunt cared enough to come, I won't ever say I've given up.

God takes people from our lives, not because of anything we did, but because we need different relationships during different parts of our lives. While I did have my period of questioning why God took my brother, I can see it now. God gives us the people we need, even when it hurts us. And He takes them away, even when it hurts us. From those hurts, growth happens. We grow together, we grow up, we grow spiritually.

Mutual Growth

I love you not only for what you are,

But for what I am when I am with you.

I love you not only for what you have made of yourself,

But for what you are making of me.

I love you because you are helping me to make

Of the lumber of my life

Not a tavern, but a temple;

Out of the words of my everyday

Not a reproach, but a song.

I love you for the part of me that you bring out;

I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart

And passing over all the foolish, weak things

That you can't help dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out all the beautiful belongings

That no one else had looked quite far enough to find.

                                                        - Roy Croft

I love this poem, I think it is a great representation of what a marriage can be. Marriage can be about mutual growth, where we serve and uplift each other. With Brian I am a much better person that I was alone. He makes me a better me. He doesn't try to change me. What he does do is bring out those qualities that make me better than I was before him.  I was a painfully shy girl when we met but Brian saw these spurts of what I'm like when you get to know me (a complete dork). Those spurts are what Brian drew out of me and I find myself more capable of being an extrovert. He showed me that who I am is worth showing to new people.

How does your significant other uplift you? How have you grown together?

Room to Grow

We live in Jacksonville, Florida and while Brian was born and raised here, I definitely was not. I was born in Virginia but was mostly raised in Michigan. When we moved down here it was culture shock for sure. It's completely different here than it is up north.

I was raised in a super small town, well actually it's considered a village.... Brian likes to point out that it has only one stoplight. While the town is very small, I still love it there. I always look forward to visits there, no matter the season. I just love the feel of the wide open fields, the small town and being no where close to a city. I'm definitely a country girl at heart. There's a sense of peace I get when I visit. The small town that you could walk to both ends in 20 minutes, the waves since everyone knows everyone, the lack of anything to do but visit with friends, cook and live, it's perfectly simple. When you take away this complaint of nothing to do, you find things that really matter, that really enhance who you are. People who live in Jacksonville love to complain that there is nothing to do and every time I hear that it just makes me smile. There's always something to do. When you take away the movie theaters, malls, all of those distractions, the only things left are the things that really matter. You have your family, friends and a few little things to do. Instead of spending your time spending money, you spend it visiting people, getting work done, and loving your family.

When I visited during summers after we moved to Florida, I loved to just see old friends, spend time with my family and curl up with a book. Life sort slows down and you get to enjoy those cool breezes. When I'm in the city, life gets put on fast forward and I never feel as if I can get caught up. When I'm caught up in the speed of life here in Jacksonville, I always think of life in Deckerville. It helps remind me of the important things in life. Does everything on that list of to dos have to get done? Or am I getting caught up in the speed of life here? It reminds me to take a break and make myself slow down.


Sometimes we need a reminder that what we think is important becomes distorted by the lives of others. We see others doing things every weekend and we feel the need to fill our lives with those things as well. Then we become overwhelmed and stressed. We need to cleanse our lives of those unnecessary things that have been put there because of our perception of other people. It's like when you plant a garden, every so often you have to go through and weed it so that the plant can have enough room to grow.

Taking Risks

Since I've started a new job, I've mentioned that I've experienced growing pains. I haven't yet found where my niche in the company which is normal for a new job but I think in the past couple of weeks I've started to find it. I am covering for a lady who is on medical leave and it's been a little frustrating since it isn't at all what my job will be when she comes back but I've focused on looking at it as an opportunity to learn and develop in the company. The faster I learn the sooner I will be we're I would like.

So, lately I've been just looking at everything as a learning opportunity as well as an opportunity to show that I am open to anything. Just because my title says this or my job description says that doesn't mean that I can say no to helping with other things. I've also been working on my patience. Of course things aren't going to go as quickly as I like. Life in general isn't that way. We have to develop and grow, otherwise no one would be a lower level worker.

This new attitude of just going with the flow has come across well with my boss. She gives me more interesting things to do along with little things she needs even if it's contact information for one of our vendors. If she needs me to do those things, well then I do it and I do it quickly.  As a result, she's mentioned me spearheading different projects and potential opportunities have been mentioned.

Every opportunity, even if it doesn't really look like one because it is something small or seemingly insignificant, can turn into a big opportunity that can lead anywhere. My attitude is based on that. Since I'm new, I don't know what will turn out to be the opportunity that helps me grow, so everything is an opportunity, even if it looks like it's boring, beneath my position or not. Taking advantage of opportunities requires that you don't get a big head and say that some of them aren't worth your time. If you want an opportunity, everything is worth your time and work.

It doesn't have to be only job related either. It could be in relationships. If Brian hadn't taken a chance on me 4 years ago even though he certainly didn't expect marriage, we wouldn't be here today, happier than ever. Opportunities are just open doors that you need to work with to make something out of. Just because an opportunity presents itself doesn't mean that it will do all of the work for you.

Since the response of my boss to my new outlook has been great, I think I'm starting to find what my company needs out of me and it looks like it will be a very exciting opportunity. I'm glad now that I took the risk.

There are no benefits without risking something, your heart, livelihood, or stability. The risk could be anything, it's all about deciding the risk is worth it.

Sing To Me

My life is full of song.

Brian sings me at least once a day. It's a perfect snapshot of my life, those moments that my husband sings to me. I have two choices in those moments. I can either sing along and have fun with my husband or I can laugh it off and just call him silly. That decision of course is a little harder when I'm in public and he's singing to me, dance moves and all. In the past few years, that decision, which was once always laughing it off, has turned to singing along with him. It's a perfect decision that is about living in the moment instead of worrying about others opinion of us. Why not sing along with my husband? Why not twirl when he twirls me? Why should anyone frown at me for something as simple as that? But that's just it, people look at you like you are crazy.

It used to bother me when people stared at me for being a little out there. I know that I'm a completely clumsy, dorky kind of girl who paired herself with a husband that sings and dances in public. Don't get me wrong, we are by no means breaking out in the salsa in the middle of a grocery store. It's way more subtle than that. At least we hope...

When I think about it though, it's those moments of the simplest decisions, whether to sing or not, whether to dance or not, they are the ones that rule your life. Yes, big decisions have the most impact on your life, but those little ones, they accumulate into the path that your life follows. Each time I choose not to sing, not to dance, I'm holding myself back. I'm afraid of what others will think of us. Well, at least I did. It came down to one single thought. Why should I care what others think? I need to focus on what God thinks, what I think and what my husband thinks of my actions. Not the world. The world is not what I want to be like. I do not want to be of this world.

So, I sing, I dance, I live in the moment. I choose to live in the little moments as well as the big ones. Those moments of singing and dancing with my husband bring a smile to my face daily. God gives us these little moments to see how we react, to see if the decision will change, to see if we will grow. My decision used to be embarrassment. Now, well I'd much rather sing, I'd rather grow. Live in the little moments. Live in the big moments. Just live.